1. Recruit. This refers to enlisting the help of any minion you deem fit to satisfy your standard of tabletop quality. This can range from a younger sibling, to a younger child... And in some cases a not so young child. Don't expect golden daemons or crystal brushes here. Your goal is to get your minis painted. Not to win awards.
2. Barter. If you have absolutely zero skill when it comes to ...
1. Recruit. This refers to enlisting the help of any minion you deem fit to satisfy your standard of tabletop quality. This can range from a younger sibling, to a younger child... And in some cases a not so young child. Don't expect golden daemons or crystal brushes here. Your goal is to get your minis painted. Not to win awards.
2. Barter. If you have absolutely zero skill when it comes to painting your miniatures, not only should you not be doing it, it's a downright sinful. In fact, to avoid falling into the trap of thinking it's okay, treat your paint pots like holy water that'll burn you at the very sight of it. That brings us to the actual act of bartering. Find a friend or a painter who will paint your minis in exchange for jobs of equal value including but not limited to: Raking leaves, washing dishes, combing hair, scratching elbows, dusting eye brows, rolling dice, gloating on behalf of a winner, eating apples, how's that barter you ask? You're basically eating healthy on behalf of someone so they don't have to.
3. Show me. This is where you ask a pro painter to "teach you" how to paint your model. But you can't just simply ask them to paint the entire model. You need to ask for help on a specific technique and just let the painter continue painting without stopping them. This is easier than it may seem. To fully understand why this step works so well you need to first discover the real behaviour of a miniature painter at its core. A certain possession of body and mind occurs within them and when asked how to paint something they can't help but open their mouths and start explaining. Put a model in their hands and you've just achieved the art of getting a single model painted by a pro painter. Remember this phrase: "Painters are teachers. Teachers are talkers. Painting teachers talk while painting."
4. Bet a doughnut. This step refers to base coating your models. Ask a buddy who's currently working on their own army and catch them when they're base coating their minis assembly line style. Then you say "I bet you a Boston cream you can't base coat my models in under 88 seconds." You see, miniature painters are also war gamers at heart. This innocent bet will unleash the competitive nature in them and refusal of such an absurd wager is blasphemous. "I'll take your sugary bet and eat it!" Watch as the base coating commences.
5. Fake a break. This is where we leave some models on a tray placed precariously on the edge of a table. As our mark walks by we distract him which will in turn skew his judgement and ultimately the models will be knocked to the ground. With a little luck, they'll be broken in multiple pieces. Put a well placed over dramatic reaction to the mix and they'll be pleading to reconcile the damage which of course can only be rectified with the production of newly painted models. Wink wink. "But those models were a gift from my dying grandma. Oh granny, I have failed you! I have failed at life!"
6. Ransom. This is a fun one. Find the prized model in the painters army and issue a strong ultimatum. "If you paint up my HQ to this standard then I won't drop yours off this balcony." Did I mention you'll need two of his models for this. Why? Well it's because you're gonna drop the first one to let 'em know you mean business. Gasp!
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8. Borrow. Well...let me rephrase, borrow from a friend with memory problems. It's best to do this right after they've painted up their models but before they've played games with them. That way, other gamers won't recognize the army when you're using it. Oh and just for fun try asking for their opinion on the paint job a year later. That's past the point of no return and by then they'll think it's actually your army.
9. Steal them. I'm kidding of course. That's illegal.
10. Pay for them. Yeah that's right. Contact a miniature painting service and get them to paint up your army. But if you really want to make this effective you'll need to deploy the "Taken" method. You've guessed it. Hold the owner of the miniature painting commission service hostage and torture him with beard llama. This will get him motivating his painters to paint up your models first and to the highest quality.