Short story I wrote: Eye of God

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Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2012 1:51 am

Short story I wrote: Eye of God

Post by fainez » Wed May 02, 2012 10:07 pm

This isn't quite what I would consider a Dark Potential fan fiction, but I wrote this after seeing some of the environment concept art, and hearing Matt talk about the corporation faction.

I guess we can say it is Dark Potential inspired, anyways I wrote it for class and thought people on here might like it. ... sQuTc/edit

Comment / Critique if you want, but remember I am not really concerned if it clashes with any of the cannon.

Dr. FuManchu
Now we're getting somewhere...
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Apr 04, 2012 11:04 pm

Re: Short story I wrote: Eye of God

Post by Dr. FuManchu » Sat May 05, 2012 9:52 am

What I like-

-I enjoyed the fact you included religion (or the cross), not a religious man myself, but you can't escape religion, it has always been part of man. Egyptians, Romans, Greeks, Aztecs. Name a civilization there was a religion and it was a focal point. Seems like too many people try to avoid this in a expanded gaming world. Be it real religions or a made up one.

-Good information on the surrounding, new where I was at and portrayed the environment rather nicely.

-Scavenging for food and medicine

What I didn't like

-Too much excessive detail on the least little thing. It was becoming more of an eye-spy with my little eye than a story that draws you in.

-Do some research on real affects on scopes in cold weather and how well trained snipers deal with it. I doubt in this universe, a sniper does not have access to "dry lubes" for the lens, but there were common practices out in the filed during the winter war in Europe dealing with fogged scopes.

-Cold breath making contact with the gun will not rust the gun so quickly that it will be the slightest concern.

-Some redundant sentence or unneeded, such as saying he was in an office or he thought he was can be shortened up.

-Despite liking the addition of the cross, talking about how people lost their faith is out of place and running off track. Kept it simple and to the point of the story of the imagery of the rough metal cross between his fingers. This alone would have added a bit of mystery, age of the cross reflect the times of the world, and gives a subtle religious vibe.

-Description of the bandits, again goes a bit beyond what you need.

-Adding in something like "she must of been starving because she went after the food".

We know it's a dog eat dog world out there where food is a limited resource and hard to come by. If she is going after food than obviously she needs food.

Best to describe this girl that reflects the setting. worn, malnourished, large ill-fitting clothing, noticeably weak and lacks energy in her movement (from little to no calories).

This gives me both description of the girl and tells me food is hard to come by.


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